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Remember your own fifth-grade rumor mill? The buzz surrounding classmates who were going out? Decades later, I still wonder about this gossip. Did this mean my friends were kissing during recess, riding bikes together after school, or just liking each other from a comfortable and benign distance? If I am musing upon this now, imagine how quizzical I am about my own two daughters and their landscape of dating.

When children ask permission to date, parents need to seek the truth underlying their request, says sexuality educator Amy Johnson.

“If you asked 50 people the definition of dating, you’d receive 50 different answers. Ask [kids] what they mean by dating and why they want to date. Conversations help us understand what our kids are seeking through dating,” says Johnson. These initial talks bloom into critical discussions about intimacy as our kids grow into young adults.

Of course, the notion of discussing intimacy with a fifth-grader is why parents wonder how young is too young to date. Cue sexuality educator Jo Langford’s three definitions of dating, which coincide with developmental, and sometimes overlapping, stages.

“Stage one [fifth–seventh grades] is pre-dating, with kids playing at interaction with minimal hanging out. Little ‘d’ dating [seventh–ninth grades] is going on proper dates. Big ‘D’ dating [10th grade and up] is getting into more committed relationship territory,” says Langford, who notes there are always outliers who start stages earlier or later.

Presented below is a deeper dive into tween and teenage dating, including information on how parents can guide their children.

First stage — pre-dating

It’s natural for parents to panic when their 10-year-old child announces they want to date, says sexuality educator Greg Smallidge. “Every young person is exploring what healthy relationships feel like, whether or not they are dating. Within their friendships, they are beginning to understand what it means to be close to someone outside of their families,” he says.

Dating at this age is an extension of that exploration. Friends of Smallidge shared with him that their fifth-grader asked to have a date. Through talking with their son, they realized a date for him meant having a picnic at a greenbelt next to their house.

“Rather than overreact, they realized their kid was ready to begin dating. They provided bumpers and gentle guidance for that level of dating to go well. Their kid got to experience what he said he was ready for, in a positive way,” says Smallidge.

If we think of dating as an opportunity to see what it’s like for our kid to settle into being with someone, adds Smallidge, we can provide guidance through the stories we tell about our own experiences in this arena. Getting comfortable with someone takes some time. Compare your own awkward, curious, scary and exciting early forays into dating to the shiny and bright media representations that our kids see every day. Do they know first kisses aren’t always “Love, Simon”–like moments with a Ferris wheel ride and cheering friends? Or that your brother witnessed your not-so-stellar and very unexpected first kiss after your first group date?

Second stage — little ‘d’ dating

This sharing of stories preps our kids for little-d dating, which happens in the late middle school and early high school years. These are actual dates — perhaps dinner and a movie — that occur either in groups or one-on-one.     

Now’s the time to up your game when it comes to talking about relationships, and that includes all types of relationships: family, friends and romantic partnerships. Langford is a huge fan of families watching media together (from “Veronica Mars” reruns to your kid’s favorite YouTubers) and talking about the books our kids are reading.